A few days ago, my cousin called her mother to ask if she would take a DNA test for me. My aunt said, “No,” and gave no reason.
Since my cousin planned to see her mother on the weekend, she suggested I provide her with reasons why her mother should be tested. She wrote to me, “Can you give me more ammunition to present the case for doing the test?”
Genetic genealogy Facebook group
Looking for ideas on how to convince my 90+-year-old aunt, I looked to the members of the Genetic Genealogy Tips & Techniques Facebook group and asked them for tips. Within a couple of hours, I received about 50 suggestions.
However, before including any of the suggestions in my letter to my aunt, I started it by sharing my own personal experience and how I was initially reluctant to take a DNA test.
I told her at this time last year I was like her. I had no interest in testing my DNA because I knew who I was. I knew who my parents were. I knew who my grandparents were.
With my red hair, fair skin and freckles, I was confident my ancestry was Irish, Scottish, and English. Then, after I took a test, I explained to my aunt how I discovered there was so much more to learn about my ancestry.
I continued the letter with a few points about why her DNA results were important to me and our family’s history.
Here are some of the tips I received from the Facebook group. From this list, I selected and personalized those that were specific to the relationship my aunt and I share.
- Be honest with her about why you want her to take a DNA test.
- Since her parents have passed away, she is the closest person to your ancestors. Tell her that her DNA has information nobody else’s DNA has. Her DNA is golden.
- Tell her that leaving her DNA is like leaving a family Bible. This is a gift that keeps on giving. It is for posterity and future generations.
- Tell her what it would mean to you if she took the test and what you hope to learn. Describe one of the finds you made, using DNA results.
- Choose her favourite ancestral line. Explain how you want to explore that line and how you hope her DNA will help you discover more about her ancestors.
- If she says she already knows who her parents are, tell her you’re not interested in her parents, but in her great-great-great-grandparents.
- Show your own results, such as the list of new cousins and the ethnicity portion.
- Ask if she has any specific concerns about DNA testing. Explain there will be no medical information in the test, if that is the case.
- Reassure her that you will keep thee results private. Tell her how you will identify her results to protect her privacy.
- Tell her you will handle all the paperwork.
- Understand this is a favour you are requesting. No means no. Do not trick her into taking a DNA test. Don’t pressure her. Respect her decision.
- Finally, tell her you will not be angry if she is not comfortable taking a DNA test.
After my cousin read my letter aloud, my aunt agreed to take the test.
The next challenge will be for her to produce enough saliva for a test sample. If that doesn’t work, we will try a swab test.
You illustrated another important approach– go through a closer relative. For elderly people I think it is good to involve their children (in most cases the people they trust the most).
These are all great ideas and I am trying to convince a cousin to do the y dna test. Do you have the actual sample of this letter? I am not a writer by any means. Thank you.
Such a great resource, Gail! I’d like to share this with my DNA Special Interest Group at our local society, if you don’t mind (including the link back to your website). I’m a firm believer in crowdsourcing the answer to questions such as this, and your post demonstrates the power of the crowdsourcing approach. Thanks so much!
Absolutely, please share with credit. The more people who can successfully test their older relatives, the better. #crowdsourcing
Thanks for sharing this Gail. I too would like to share it with my society, the entire url with title and your name. Someone asked the ‘how to convince’ question today in our monthly meeting and I thought of this post. So timely.
Yes, please share with credit: Gail Dever, Genealogy à la carte, http://www.genealogyalacarte.ca. Thanks.
Gail,
Thank you so much for this information, I spoke to my 93 year old Mom about this today and she was less than enthusiastic, I’m hoping that by showing her the results of my DNA along with a few of these suggestions from your blog that she will agree. For me to provide a saliva sample took an hour produce but I used a suggestion that you passed onto Leanne, I sucked on a stainless steel spoon. Thank you for helping me to learn more about my history.
You are welcome. Let your mother know that her DNA is golden. It is the closest you can get to your grandparents’ DNA.
Women seem to have more difficulty providing a saliva sample than men do.
Remember that your mother cannot eat, drink, smoke, or chew gum for 30 minutes before giving her saliva sample.
To encourage saliva, you can put a quarter of a teaspoon of sugar on her tongue. See Step 1 for other tips — https://support.ancestry.ca/s/article/CA-Taking-a-DNA-Test
My friend, who represents Ancestry in Canada, said sucking on a clean plastic straw or stick can also help to stimulate saliva. Her 90+ mother took about 45 minutes.